11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving