Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad