“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.