Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”