This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me