My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I bet birds love this building.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My love language is deader than Latin
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?