I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
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Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.