Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.