Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children