Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken