I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?