If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’