“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too