lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Seems kinda suspicious
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo