BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.