Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this