I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
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Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Personal question. #JustSaying
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
New menu item
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected