When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
The best plant holders?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning