In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
(yawn)
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.