Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
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It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas