Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
You Might Also Like
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.