Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
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Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster