My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I just tested negative for patience.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid