Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
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my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.