She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Customize Your Wedding.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE