Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Buck naked
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus