I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
want me to check your oil?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out