The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I鈥檓 done talking to you for now.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
ME: I鈥檇 like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you鈥檒l have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Laughing far too much 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain鈥檛 gonna happen.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
robber: give me all the cheddar or i鈥檒l shoot
me: here take my wallet i don鈥檛 want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
After 35, your body ages in dog years