Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…