my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Autocorrect completely socks
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.