My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I would move hell over six inches for you
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
constantly working on myself.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?