Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
selfie game
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.