I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
SF is the wild wild west man
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
This anagram machine is out of order.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you