Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.