INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
These 3D printers are insane!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.