“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Lassie, get help!
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.