Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.