airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Rambo Rambow
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist