To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.