Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.