Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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i want to work in this restaurant
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste