Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
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Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Grandmother clock.