Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉