*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My plans: 2020:
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.