When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.