Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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I thought this was funny lol
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
#catsoftwitter
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs