As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
why I oughta
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.