Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
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I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.