Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
What a chick magnet..
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
how to have an accident 101
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
The news
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.