GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me sliding into hell like
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship